What to Eat When Youre Tipsy

Whether you’ve smashed beers at a college party or had two too many glasses of wine at a Galentine’s Day soirée, chances are you’ve probably been tipsy. The room gets a little wiggly, everything becomes absurdly funny, and you transform into an absolutely ravenous creature. While I humbly ask that you drink responsibly, I also recognize that this is a huge opportunity for you to munch on things you normally wouldn’t. So, whether you’re a sad drinker, a fancy drinker, or just a drunk drinker, here are the six best ways to satisfy your tipsy food cravings.

The first thing you need when you’re tipsy is a fancy, funky cheese—especially if you’re wine tipsy. This is your chance to act fancier than you are, to trick your brain into interpreting funk as delicacy. Cypress Grove Humboldt Fog is a multi-award-winning goat cheese (funk), with an edible vegetable ash rind (more funk) and ash line running through the center of the cheese (double funk), that gets gooier (and funkier) with time. With that much funk, it’s best tasted when your taste buds are too tipsy to recoil. The cheese pairs especially well with a sweet tawny port. And, if you’re trying to become the ultimate fancy drunk, try Cypress Grove’s funky white truffle cheese.

Related: Best Goat Cheese: Be Your Own Cheesemonger with the Best Supermarket Goat Cheese

Sometimes when you’re tipsy all you wanna do is sit on the couch and stuff your face with chips. But not just any chips will suffice. Considering you’ve been drinking, you’re probably thirsty and craving salt. So, you’re gonna need a chip that’s salty and juicy. “Uhhh, what the crap is a juicy chip?” you’re probably asking. What if I told you that your chip can be juicy while remaining dry and crispy? Well, it can (that’s why I asked, duh). Route 11’s Dill Pickle Chips manage to capture every aspect of a dill pickle in a single chip: juiciness, vinegary-ness, and dilly-ness. They’re so good and accurate you could practically use them as a pickleback with whiskey.

Related: The Best Things We Ate This Week (April 3-7)

This snack is one of the best drunk foods for the emotional drinkers out there. If you’re sad, some cozy nostalgia can really make you feel better. And there’s nothing that blasts you into the past faster than Smucker’s Uncrustables. If you didn’t plan ahead by thawing one out in the fridge, I wholly advocate for eating them frozen like an absolute madman. It’s what you would’ve done as a kid, anyway.

Related: 6 Cheap On-the-Go Breakfasts

When Sporked senior writer Jordan Myrick tried Dreyer’s Cookies ‘N Cream as part of their cookies and cream ice cream taste test, they were shocked that it ended up being the best of the best, saying, “For some reason, I would never think to buy Dreyer’s ice cream.” When I read that, I shed a little tear. I’ve been hooked on this stuff since I was little. I am greatly saddened to hear it’s being slept on, and I think it’s time the world knows how good it is. You’ll probably be craving dessert anyway, and you don’t have time to go out and buy something fancy or to slice up a cake. Just keep this in your freezer until the tipsy munchies strike and eat it straight from the container.

Related: Best Cookies and Cream Ice Cream: The 5 Best You Can Buy, Best Store Bought Ice Cream: Best Ice Cream from Our Taste Tests

If tossing back a few beers makes you drowsy but you need to stay awake to make sure you don’t miss any of your friends doing something stupid, a protein-packed snack can do the trick—especially one you can yank apart with your teeth. Chomps Original Beef Stick isn’t just supremely beefy (Danny Palumbo said, “This is so beefy that it actually makes me think of a specific cut of beef”), it’s got 9 grams of protein, so you’ll be awake and kicking when Brad accidentally gets his head thwapped by the ceiling fan.

Related: Snap Into Something Else: We Ranked the 11 Best Beef Sticks

Beer and pizza is a thing, but, ugh, you’re tipsy and you just don’t have the time or energy to order a pizza, or even to wait 30 minutes for a frozen one to cook in the oven. I give you permission to be lazy (you’re welcome). So, stick this delicious French bread pizza into the microwave for around a minute and a half, finish it in the oven for six minutes, and, as the French would say, voila. Piping hot pizza. Your final challenge of the evening? Waiting for it to cool so you don’t burn the flesh off the roof of your mouth.

Related: The Best Frozen French Bread Pizza: A Little Ooh La La for Your Freezer

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